3 Tips For Nurturing Your Child's Brain + Heart
When it comes to caring for the growth and development of ourselves and others, it takes modeling, empathy and teaching when you are NOT in conflict. As a mindful movement educator and mom, I have learned the hard way that you can’t pour from an empty cup. There are tricks and tips that we can do to nourish ourselves and our children’s brains and hearts.
NURTURE YOUR OWN BRAIN AND HEART IN FRONT OF THEM
HOW? By modeling. Kids learn most by watching us; when we model how to regulate our own nervous systems, they will mimic them. However, “a dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child. And an exhausted, frustrated, dysregulated adult can’t regulate anybody,” Dr. Bruce Perry says in his book What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing.
What do you do when your tone is snippy, your breath is shallow, your heart is racing and all you want to do is hide behind your phone and turn off completely?
Learn breath practices; it is the easiest and fastest way to regulate our nervous system. When we breathe in and out with intention, we turn off the protective part of our brains (amygdala) and turn on the thoughtful part of our brains (prefrontal cortex).
Imagine your child is having a meltdown and your blood is boiling. That is the moment, as long as they are safe, you stand tall and place your hands over your heart and breathe in for 1-2-3 and exhale 1-2-3-4-5. A slightly longer exhale sends a signal to your vagus nerve to calm your parasympathetic nervous system. Breathwork for emotional regulation is like taking an aspirin for a headache!
By modeling a self-regulation technique, you can bring yourself back into a state of calm and clarity. I have seen my own children and classrooms full of students join me in taking slow breaths in and out, which brings us into co-regulating our systems together. “At its heart, co-regulation is connecting with a child who’s in distress and being able to evaluate what that child needs in the moment to help calm themselves,” says Lauren Marchette, a psychologist and a lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.
EMPATHIZE AND PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES BEFORE YOU CORRECT THEIR BEHAVIOR
WHY? Because empathy organizes the brain. When we reflect and connect with our children, they feel heard, understood and not alone. Saying things like:
We all feel angry sometimes.
We all lose our tempers.
We all cry and get frustrated.
It is hard when things don’t work out the way we hoped for.
It isn’t fair. I wish it were different too.
“When we help children reflect back their feelings, it brings their brains into balance by using the upper level [prefrontal cortex] part of the brain,” shares Becky Bailey, author of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline.
TEACH REGULATION TECHNIQUES WHEN NOT IN THE MOMENT OF CONFLICT
WHEN? Not when they are having a meltdown or upset. This is the most effective practice in teaching your children how to take care of their BIG feelings. When you are connected and the bonding chemical oxytocin is running through your veins, you can say …
Let’s practice the “Squeeze and Breathe” technique together.
1. Interlace your hands together and squeeze hard.
2. Watch your belly go up and down as you breathe in and breathe out.
3. This is an exercise we can do when we feel frustrated, sad, scared, mad or even excited.
4. When we squeeze our hands together, it’s like squeezing out our big feelings.
5. When we watch our bellies go up and down, it calms our minds and bodies.
6. When we control our breath, we can control our temper.
7. Now that we are calm, we can thank our breath for being our superpower.
The “Squeeze and Breathe” technique is one I made up in 2009, when my 3-year-old was having a temper tantrum while I was driving and he cried breathlessly, “I want to SQUEEZE and BWEEVE.” I said, “What? Ohhhhhh, you want to squeeze and breathe? Oh buddy, hang on.” I pulled over, wiped his wet hot tears and it was at that moment that I knew the power of practicing in the calm and connected moments throughout the day. He knew what that peace felt like. He then knew to recall it when he was in a state of distress.
There are other techniques besides breath exercises that also work — like going for a walk, building blocks, bike riding, coloring or reading a book. Notice the calm and centering moments throughout your child’s day and ask them, what does your body feel like when you are walking, coloring and reading, etc.? The goal is to practice calming strategies when their prefrontal cortexes are turned on. With practice and patience, kids will learn to recall what makes them feel safe and calm in their bodies. Our job is to model it ourselves, empathize with their frustrations and teach in the calm moments. This builds connection and trust.
Originally published in the Spring 2025 issue of Spoke+Blossom.